A Time to Speak

Life With Open Eyes

2011-10-16T12:17:00.001-05:00

I started a new workout class recently. Well, it is new to me because I just moved to the area. There has been this one thing about this new class that has been surprisingly challenging, even though I expect and look forward to the challenges that taking a new class may bring.
I decided to start taking yoga classes about a year ago, and I am happy I did. (I hesitate to say that here as I am aware that many cult like yoga groups exist, and I am not trying to endorse anything.) It has helped me manage stress, and has strengthened me physically in new ways. I also like how it is a non competitive practice of exercise. It is just me and my mat, and others with their mats, and an instructor leading the class through exercises and stretches, and everyone does what they can at their own pace. Usually, if I looked in the mirror, it was just to see if I was holding a pose correctly. Much of the time my eyes were closed, and it was time set apart for me to relax and focus on breathing and focus on....myself for awhile. (this is so contradictory to the "die to yourself and never focus on yourself but only Jesus and others" religious garbage I ate for years! It has taken some time for me to realize that it is ok to take care of myself and make time for myself and even.....dare I say,...make my own needs and self care a priority.)
This new instructor does things a bit differently. At several times throughout the class, between stretches, she asks us to stand up and keep our eyes open and look at ourselves. I did not like this at first. I wanted to keep my eyes shut, and stay in my own world. It was and has been difficult for me to stand there and take a long look at myself. I wanted to move into the next thing, or close my eyes, or do anything else, but look at myself in this mirror for thirty seconds straight several times throughout class. I did not want to look at my body and see it for what it was, for where it is today, and take ownership of it. And accept it, and do what I can to change the things I was not satisfied with. This got me thinking about somethings....
How long did I keep my eyes closed while I was in the cult, because it was the easier thing to do? How long did the blinders stay up, because in taking ownership of my life and looking at all of the things that did not seem right seemed too difficult to do? How long did the nagging in the back of my mind tell me that the way Randy acted with certain single women in the church was not appropriate...but yet, I never said anything, or questioned anything. How many years did I wonder why people "in the world" or "on the outside" of the cult, who had careers, families, lives, seem genuinely fulfilled and happy, ....while I was inside the cult, denying myself all of those things for the "true gospel" and for the "sake of Christ and the Church"? Yet, in reality, I was the one who was unhappy, and secretly wanting a career, and to be financially independent, and to be successful, and, well, happy.
It seemed easier at the time, for awhile, like ten years in my case, to just keep my eyes closed and just keep going. I had friendships and blood family in the cult, I had a place to live and found a purpose for my life- like if I continued in the "message of the cross" one day I would have a revelation of Christ, and that I was called to be a part of an elect small group that was going to take "this message" to the ends of the earth, and that if I continued to take care of "God's family and others", He will take care of all my needs, so why worry about yourself and your tomorrows?? God has that all under control. Do not think or look at or be concerned with those things, just follow God today, and do everything that His appointed leadership/coverings ask you to do, and you will end up right smack in the the middle of His will for your life.
This was a simple, easy way to live, for awhile anyway. This was the formula for religious deception that was used on the followers of ACTS/New Creation. The blinders are methods of deception that keep followers under the control of abusive spiritual leadership, who themselves may also be deceived, or self deceived.
Occasionally I still get asked, "so what was it that finally made you leave???" It is hard to put a finger on the exact thing or event that made me start to take off the dark glasses of spiritual deception and allow the light to come in......because, ya know, when those first rays of light hit my eyes, after years of living in darkness, it was painful. I could only take in a little bit of it at a time, it was just overwhelming. I think it was an accumulation of things; waiting and waiting for years for some promise to be fulfilled that I began to see was never going to be fulfilled. It had been ten years. I was tired of being so poor, so broke, and never saw an end in sight. Like all cults, ACTS traps its followers by bringing them into financial dependence upon the group, and then overworks you with "spiritual responsibilities/religious obligations" so you are unable to do anything to get out of it. Because you do not have the time to think about it, too busy to think about what is going on next month, much less where you want to be in a year. All I had time to think about was what I was going to do to keep up with my obligations that day or that week. Fundraising events, teaching classes, attending classes, transcribing, meetings, writing, praise and worship team, children's church, etc......College was believed to be a waste of time and money and life, really, as "they" would only fill your head with information contrary to the truth of the gospel anyway. Jesus needed disciples who were willing to give themselves wholly to Him and to His word.
I started questioning one thing, one abusive tactic, and to make a long story short, it backfired on me. That event then caused me to question something else, and then question something else, and then something else, and before you know it, the house of cards, in my mind, began to fall. To those in the group, I suppose it seemed as though I was questioning God's appointed authority, which is the biggest NO NO ever. I recall others who had left before me. I remember being told they had problems with authority. I had opened up to a "rebellious spirit" and I was to be avoided.
And, the truth is, I was questioning authority, but these jokers are not God's authority, these spiritual charlatans are no more than uneducated self appointed, self deceived spiritual gurus who have destroyed the lives of many they have come in contact with. They create followers, just to put their own mark upon them. They run from the light because it exposes their deeds. They do this by "shunning" people who begin to shed some light on things. They claim they are being persecuted, but really, they are just protecting themselves and running from the light.
I remember, after leaving, going through a season of feeling shunned, cut off, and it was a very hurtful and lonely time. The people in the cult where the only relationships I had. I knew other people, but they did not have the same value or importance to me as those in the group did. Rebuilding relationships outside the group has been a challenging and yet very rewarding experience. I enjoy having relationships with lots of different people with different beliefs and getting to know people for who they are, not just seeing them as a possible recruit or just a nobody. I have come to realize that the relationships I had in the cult where not real, they were built on a false foundation. And my perception of being shunned is different now. It was a huge blessing in disguise. It helped me take the blinders off, and slowly allow the light to come in, in waves, as I have been able to handle and process it. I once saw a little puppy open its eyes for the first time, and allow the light to come in. It has been a process, a painful one I admit, but the freedom and independence and healing that has come and continues to come as I look at myself and my life for what it is, for the state it truly is in today, is worth it all.

I Understand. Me too.

2011-09-05T00:53:00.015-05:00

I am happy to say that I have moved, far away from the small college town that I lived in for over a decade. A town where I came to live with a small group of people who "forsook all" to follow a man's doctrine in a religious cult. It feels so good to be away from there, in so many ways. I feel like Pig Pen, from the Peanuts, who just got out from this dust cloud that resided over his head for the longest time. Man, I look forward to writing more, and for all this next stage of life has for me and my family.

On the trip here, we were fortunate to stay in a swanky hotel for an evening, (thanks to Priceline.com), and something very cool happened. The person at the front desk who checked us in, recognized me......from this blog!! He said he follows it, as does one of his friends, and encouraged me to keep writing. Crazy....crazy because I stopped making entries awhile back for a couple reasons. First, my occasional journal entries had been causing some "problems", shall we say, and I was a bit overwhelmed at the time with so many other things, and decided to stop posting. But the crazy thing is, it really did not change anything. The accusations about what I was saying on this blog continued to come, from people who never even read it, as the comments being made proved this to be true. I think (or thought) that possibly the only people who read this blog were the members of New Creation Fellowship, as they seem to know the most about it!! hahaha!!! I thought this...UNTIL the person at the front desk at the swanky hotel told me he knew me from the blog I authored and asked why I stopped writing. So random, but it opened my eyes to something. Something important that I think everyone can relate to.

We never know who it is that is hearing our story and how it may be affecting people when we decide to throw it out there. Sometimes it may seem like we did it only for ourselves, and you know what? That really is reason enough. The healing that I have experienced from writing my story about my involvement with ACTS has already proved beneficial to me in SO MANY ways. I have no regrets. But we never know who is hearing our story, and what that may mean to them. I am remembering now how another ex New Creation person found me and contacted me on facebook a couple weeks ago. This was a person I was close to, someone who just disappeared from the world as far as I knew, and I always wondered what happened to him/her. I remember asking leadership about this person once and just getting this wide eyed look and some super spiritual answer about being taken deeper into Christ's death and I knew never to ask another question about that again. This person has also come to realize New Creation Fellowship is a cult, the doctrine false, and is on the road of freedom from religious abuse. So happy to hear this news, and the stories of others who I have been in contact with and have spoken similar comments. My eyes fill with tears now as I think how great it was to write back and say "hey, I understand. Me too."

Sometimes I think that is all that needs to be said. "I understand. Me too." How precious and priceless those words are when they are spoken in sincerity and honesty. How healing they have been as they have been spoken to me. Sometimes I have heard those words directly from the mouths of other ex cult members, as I needed to share my experience to someone would let me share it. Sometimes I heard those words spoken to me, although be it indirectly, from authors who wrote about their experiences. And healing has come that way as well. Understanding is a powerful healing salve, perhaps one of the most powerful. To be really heard by some one who understands, with an ear that is full of compassion and free from judgement; this is a rare and a precious commodity indeed...

"Happy is the man that finds wisdom, and the man that gets understanding; for the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold. She (understanding) is more precious than rubies, and all the things that can be desired are not to be compared to her..." Proverbs 3:13-15

Cult Prevention Lecture This Month

2011-03-04T21:13:00.005-06:00

This semester is flying by, it is hard to believe that it has been so long since I posted last. BUT!!! It has been an exciting semester, with some really cool things happening in relation to all this crazy cult stuff.

The support group that meets in Denton is still alive and well, I am happy to say! I have been benefiting from it, I know that much. And I am happy to announce that Doug and Wendy Duncan will be giving a lecture this month at the University of North Texas, here in Denton. The lecture is titled "Cult Awareness, Spiritual Abuse, and Recovery", and will take place on March 24, Thursday, at 7:00PM, in Terrill Hall, room #120.

This lecture is open to whomever would be interested in coming, and is free of charge. I will be able to tell my story and hopefully impact the audience with the reality of just how close cults are among us, yes, even here in Denton. I/we are hoping the psychology and counseling students, as well as staff, would come, so they can be aware of the recovery issues people have upon leaving such groups. Doug and Wendy are both mental health professionals, as well as ex cult members, and they give these presentations free of charge, as it is their desire to educate the public of the dangers of such groups.

I am happy to begin telling my story more. I remember when I started this blog, two years ago. I named it "A Time to Speak" because writing down some of the details of my involvement with ACTS and New Creation Fellowship was healing to me, and I felt that it was time to speak up in some way. And I am glad I have. I am hoping that through these new opportunities to tell my story that it may bring healing not only to me but maybe help others understand the dangers and abuse that takes place in the name of God, under the guise of religion.

Could it be that I am seeing some light at the end of this very long and seemingly endless tunnel? Honestly, I am not ready to say that it was worth it all, yet. Honestly, I don't know if I will ever be able to say that. But today I can say that I am glad that something good seems to be coming out of this.

Goodbye Fear, Hello Love

2011-01-17T14:35:00.004-06:00

" There is no fear in love, but perfect love casteth out fear...." 1 John 4:18

I was at a meeting yesterday and the topic of discussion was how fear is used as a tool to manipulate people to do many things. Many people are scared that they are going to go to hell and therfore they say a "sinners prayer" or get saved or baptized or perform whatever ritual they believe will keep them from such eternal damnation. Understandably.
When the beginning of a persons understanding and relationship with God starts on the basis of fear, it becomes clear how someone could spend a lifetime of performing works and "doing" certain things to stay in God's good graces and away from His wrath and the flames of hell. Maybe the fear isn't necessarily in relation to hell for everyone, but it can still exist in relation to wanting to be a "good" and pleasing child to God, and not make this possible hell appointer displeased in any. For some people, myself included, this meant submitting to my authorites in my church group "as unto the Lord" and basically giving over the control of my life to human beings who were glad to take it over and exploit that for their own gain.

I have been thinking about how unlike God is from this fear cycle mentioned above. God gave us all a free will. To freely make choices in this life- this was a gift he gave us, and he does not take it away. I know certaian church leaders who have taken this away from their members, but God never has taken free will from mankind. He is not an abusive, controlling, manipulative totalitarian leader, in the name of religion.

God no longer relates to us according to some set of rules, and withholds his love and favor according to what we do and do not do. Since we can not earn this love throught what we do and obedience to rituals, we cannot lose it either, through what we might do or say. It is free. I think that the more we could grasp this, the less motivated we all would be by fear. Finding security in this kind of love is liberating. It has caused me to think more about God and less about church activities. It has made me free from feeling obligated to wear my beliefs on my sleeve, free to let go of religious obligation and just say goodbye to it forever. I wonder, was God really concerned with all that anyway? Religious duties and obligations? I don't know. Probably not as concerned as I was with it all! This kind of love brings the freedom to simple love God, and love your neighbor as yourself. I think when a person begins to grasp how freely loved we are by a loving God, not a wrathful God who is waiting to send people to hell, it becomes natural to love others in your life's path with this same love. The more I realize God is not witholding anything from me as a result of my doing or lack of doing, the less I judge myself according to what I am doing or not doing, and the more free I find myself to love those around me, despite their actions, beliefs, or behaviors.

"Jesus said unto him [pharisee], thou shall love the Lord, thy God, with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the forst and the great commandment. And the second is like it, thou shall love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets." Matthew 22;37-40

It's a New Year, and a New Meeting

2011-01-05T14:56:00.008-06:00

I am happy to announce that there is a new support group for former members of cults and/or spiritually abusive groups that meets in Denton, Texas. The group meets once a month, on a Saturday, from 3 - 5 pm. The meetings are free. Please contact me at mkoshatka@yahoo.com for more information.

With the continued support of Doug and Wendy Duncan, I look forward to taking this next step. Ever since I departed from a Bible based cult in Denton, I wished that something existed here to assist people, such as myself, in need of help after leaving such a group. I am so fortunate that I discovered the Duncan's, whose support, friendship, and guidance have been priceless in value to my recovery. It was through Wendy's book that I discovered their support group, and through their support group I discovered that I was not alone in my experience. And through their knowledge of resources, they told me about a place called Wellspring Retreat, where I went and met Dr. Martin, whose expertise changed my life.

I am happy to begin facilitating a meeting, a safe place, here in Denton, for anyone who may need the opportunity to talk about their experience, past or present, with a cult or spiritually abusive group. I am not a professional, nor am I there to give any sort of professional advice or instruction. The meeting is just a safe place for people to come together, talk and get understanding concerning these related issues. The healing that I experienced from just being around others who truly understood my experience was integral to my recovery. That kind of understanding came through others who had been there, and it is that kind of understanding that I hope to offer others by facilitating a meeting in the Denton area.

It has now been three years since leaving the cult that I was a part of for a decade. I recognize that a lot in my life has changed. For the better. And at the same time, so many of my present life challenges are still a result of my cult involvement, although the experience of being in the cult gets further behind me with each passing day. Life is challenging for everyone in this world, whether that includes cult involvement or not, I do realize this. But maybe I am a bit surprised at how far reaching the consequences have been as a result of decisions I made while adhering to cult ideology. Maybe I am realizing that the recovery process cannot be rushed, and just like recovery from any other type of abuse, it must be taken day by day. And today, I am okay with that.

Let the Burden be Lifted

2010-11-28T12:45:00.004-06:00

I have someone in my life right now who is wanting to know about Jesus. They are hungry, spiritually, looking for answers and looking for something real. I find myself tongue tied and unable to say barely a word when asked. I have no answers, and honestly, why would I want to tell anybody about Jesus if following him can potentially bring them into the problem filled prison that I have lived in? Why would I want to tell anyone that I care about something that could potentially bring them this much harm?

I remember when I was in the group, I used to think about how naive people were when they first "received" Jesus because they had no idea what was coming to them. The "cross" was about to hit them and their whole life was about to change, and it was better that they did not know. I would think this. The "cross" meant that everything in your life needed to be brought to devastation in order for spiritual life to come "forth". This is the doctrine that I would heed to when I was "enduring" all sorts of "suffering" for Jesus, or so I thought.

Does following Jesus just mean enduring suffering? Does following Jesus mean enduring abuse in the name if Jesus? Does following Jesus mean you are no longer allowed to get pleasure from anything in this life, with or without guilt? Does it really mean giving up all your goals and hopes and dreams and "laying them at the foot of the cross", (the discretion of church leadership)? Does it really mean that you have a special knowledge that sets you apart from other people and makes you more special to God than others? Does it mean having a special responsibility in life to share this special "knowing of God" with everyone who crosses your path who will listen to you, in order for God to be "satisfied"? Does it mean that if you don't "put Jesus first in all things", like in your time, even to the point of putting "his needs" above sleep and self care, that I am not a true disciple, not truly "poured out" completely so Jesus can live in the "poured out" absence of me?

Because if it does mean these things...no thanks. I am not interested. Nor am I interested in recruiting anyone else into that prison.

What little I believe to be true today....is that God loves everyone, even those who don't believe in him. Freely. I believe He blesses all men without regard to spiritual affiliations. We can't earn it, therefore we can't lose it. And He is there to help sinners, the needy people, who have nothing at all to give.

Maybe I am no different than anyone else who is on a search for answers to spiritual questions? Maybe it is not my responsibility to have the answers? Maybe I can just be in touch with my own humanness and be okay with not having it all figured out, as I sit next to my friend who is in the same place?

I feel the burden lifting. It probably was never mine to carry in the first place.

Evil Continues While Good Men Do Nothing

2010-09-30T22:22:00.009-05:00

Well, friends, I want to share a link to a recent news story that exposes the group called "Teen Mania" and their absurd and abusive spiritual "training" camps that the members go through in the name of God. I am strengthened by my friend Mica for "coming out" with her story. As a result of her blog and all the information she began to receive from current and ex- members of Teen Mania, she decided it was time to speak up. She was on staff at this "ministry" for years and came to the conclusion that it is a cult, and is now bravely sharing her story. Hopefully it will serve as a wake-up call and a reminder that, yes, cults are still sooooo very active and alive today. They indeed did not die in the late ‘70's as so many still believe. Without warnings like this and cult education, you, your friend, or someone you know can easily be recruited into a cultic group given the right circumstances...... She is encouraging me to take similar steps. "Evil continues while good men do nothing." Thanks for sharing your story, Mica!

I also wanted to let you know, that you, or anyone you may know who is in need, a support group in Denton, TX will be starting soon. This support group is intended for those individuals who have been involved with cults, high demand, or spiritually abusive groups. Hopefully we can begin by next month. The group will meet once a month on a Saturday. I will have more details later! I am excited to be facilitating a group such as this, and am thankful for Doug and Wendy Duncan and others who are supporting me in this endeavor. My hope is that this will be a group that can provide a safe place for people to talk and to be understood.

http://www.kltv.com/global/Category.asp?C=151146&clipId=&topVideoCatNo=15129&topVideoCatNoB=107660&topVideoCatNoC=108625&topVideoCatNoD=123412&topVideoCatNoE=107065&topVideoCatNo=66626&autoStart=true&clipId=5131080

Paralyzed by Fear

2010-08-29T13:45:00.003-05:00

I am continually amazed at how much "magical thinking" continues to permeate my mind. It has been three years since I left the cult, and I am still shocked at how much of the group’s mentality still affects me daily.

For example, I have come to realize magical thinking can keep a person in passivity. Captivity. For years, even a lifetime. In our group we used many phases like "waiting on the Lord" and "you don't want to produce an Ishmael." These phrases were translated to mean, in our secret little language, just wait on the Lord for an answer, an opportunity, a "door to open." In the meantime, simply go about your day and do what it is you normally would do. That is what living in faith meant. "Not putting your hand to it" but simply "trust God." I am not trying to say that I have faith figured out or know exactly what these Scriptures are saying, by any means. But, I do believe I have painfully come to know what they are not saying.

Producing an Ishmael meant making something happen of your doing, just as Sarah, in the Scriptures, had her handmaid named Hagar sleep with her husband, Abraham, in order to have a child. This was taught to mean that making something happen of your own doing, instead of trusting God to do it, will produce something in your life that will not be what God had originally wanted, and it will be something that you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

These teachings were delivered eloquently and powerfully, as they usually were. Many loud "Amen's" rang from the tiny congregation. It sounded so right, so true to Scripture. Randy would say things about how the church today has all these Ishmaels running around and they are calling them "Jesus," but really, the church today (that is, mainstream Christianity, definitely not "us") has produced a big Ishmael. I felt so special to be part of such a group that was hearing such deep truths. The rest of the "church" world and all its' Ishmaels and self efforts were not so blessed to know these things!! This is amazing, such hidden wisdom, such special and amazing revelation that we were blessed to hear! (Wait, ummmm, isn't that called something? Like GNOSTICISM?)

Being the dedicated disciple that I was, I was going to follow this revelation. I was not going to do anything that the Lord did not do through me. Like a vine and a branch. Sounds so spiritual, even scriptural, but I want to share just exactly where obedience to this teaching got me.....

Paralyzed with fear to do many things. I stayed at the same job for years, waiting for God to somehow give me another one. Staying in the same living situation, at the cult, for years, waiting for God to move me on in "His timing". I had many desires to do many things which I suppressed, all because I was "waiting on the Lord" and had fear of making a big Ishmael, a big mistake that I would have to live with the rest of my life. The fear of making a mistake that would be contrary to God's original plan for me. I was fearful of missing God's will for my life. This fear kept me in the cult for a decade, working mundane jobs which kept me in poverty which in turn kept me dependent on the cult. I see that the cult benefited from this also, as it kept me, us, running the place for no financial compensation. Just waiting on the Lord for something to happen. (So far, ACTS is the only Bible-based cult that I have heard of that did not financially compensate its "staff." I mean, not only were we not financially compensated, we had to pay rent to live there! While we served for "free." Some cults at least gave the workers free room and board, and a few, minimum wage. Accelerated Christian Training School in Denton? Nothing.)

This magical thinking process still has somewhat of a hold on me today. I have been waiting for certain things in my life to "happen" instead of going out and doing my part to make the things that I desire happen. I realize that the basis for this inactivity on my part has not been laziness, but fear. A fear that has come from a false teaching that has kept me paralyzed (not moving) for too long. A fear that had taken root in my mind, and as a result I was at the mercy of religious abusers for years of my life, thinking that everything that happened to me was God's will.

Wasn't it Jesus who said to the paralyzed man, "Take up your mat and WALK"? (Mark 2:9). He did not ask the paralyzed man to lay there and trust Him for another year, but rather to DO something.

And the untwisting of Scripture continues..........

Whatsoever Ye Do

2010-07-07T07:58:00.002-05:00

The untwisting of Scriptures knows no end. For a long time I have felt that so many of the things that were taught to me from Scripture were twisted during my involvement at New Creation Fellowship. Where does one even begin when it comes to trying to see what was true versus what was taught from a doctrine of man?

I decided....just to leave it. And I was and have been happy to do that. Sometimes, despite my lack of effort to "figure it all out", something occurs to me about a belief that I have held for a long time. Like a light bulb being turned on in my mind, I realize something has been twisted.

This Scripture in Colossians was quoted all the time in our group: "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as to the Lord, and not unto men" (3:23). We were taught that whatsoever we do, like our assigned chore, our assigned homework, going to church, taking care of our responsibilities, families, etc...... do these things unto God and unto God alone. And that sounds right and good, doesn't it? But this is how it was twisted........

These Scriptures are saying that "whatsoever ye do...." and in our group, the translation included "whatsoever the Lord would have you do which will be controlled by leadership under the guise of the "covering of the Lord", these are the things that you are supposed to do heartily unto the Lord..." See how sneaky that is? How controlling? How deceptive?

In whatever we decide to do, whatever profession we may decide to pursue, person we may decide to marry, place we may decide to live, do it heartily as to the Lord. Live unto God in all things! He is with us wherever we go and He loves unconditionally. That is so very different from what I had been taught and believed for years that this Scripture had meant. I thought this meant that I must continue to do menial tasks and things that I hated, so far below my potential and my true desires, because God had given me these things to do and this is what He wanted for me. Because to serve God meant being faithful to what His authority (leadership at ACTS and New Creation) told me to do, because they were hearing from God for me. I heard it said once by leadership at ACTS: "If God has given you the chore to clean the toilets, do it heartily unto Him and He will be glorified!"

I can't even remember what I was doing the other day when I began to think about this Scripture. I know I wasn't searching the Scriptures trying to figure it out, but the freedom this gives is huge. To me. God is not a controlling and abusive dictator. Whatever I decide to do with my life is mine to decide - I am free. He is with me. In whatsoever I decide to do.

Hook, Line, and Sinker

2010-07-03T13:25:00.002-05:00

We are back from France, and I have to say that we had the time of our lives. We made amazing friends, had life-changing experiences and encounters, and living in a new culture has given me new perspective on many things. Including myself!

Living in France for six months gave me many opportunities to try new things. New foods, new clothes, new sports, etc.... And, as I was bravely willing to try just about whatever new "thing" was put in front of me, my French family began to tease me. They started to say, "Molly, you will try anything, won't you? What is out there that you will not try?"

Although they meant these comments in a very lighthearted and teasing manner, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I began to realize that I am someone who is willing to try many new things, and that same willingness opened me up to a cult some twelve years ago.

I am not saying that being willing to try new things is a bad characteristic! Not at all! When I decided to join an abusive and controlling religious group, at the time I did not know what it was that I was trying. I was not fully informed as to what I was signing up for. For example, when someone offered me fois gras for the first time in France, at least I was told what it was before I ate it. Even thought I did not know the taste yet, I was informed.

But when I began to take Bible classes at the "Bible School," I was not completely informed of what it was that I was experiencing, if you will. It was told to me that it was "Jesus," and that the "environment of the Lord" was a place to "saturate" in the spirit and learn "Jesus." And, making the best decision at that time with the information that I had, I dove right in, one hundred percent, and gave my all. And eventually all my time and money, too. But it was not just "Jesus." There were many manipulative things happening behind the scenes that were being labeled "Jesus" that clearly were not "Jesus." But at the time I bought in, and I decided to taste, chew and swallow; hook, line and sinker.

I have had people ask me before, "What do you think a cult is?" I have read many definitions of the word “cult,” but in order to give someone a quick answer that they can grasp, I use this analogy: "A cult is kind of like a marketing scam: What you are told you are buying into and what you see happening in the beginning is very different from what is really going on behind the scenes."

So today, what has this taught me? This new awareness of my personality, a trait I have been proud to have, to be willing and open to new things and experiences. Well, today I feel a little bit older and a little bit wiser. Even though I might be someone who is more willing to try something new, now I want to get all the information I can get about it before I dive in and give it my all. It was not until I left my religious group that I began to read all the information that was giving warning to them... and that was about ten years too late. But I have learned a life-changing lesson about myself; albeit a painful lesson learned, the results will definitely affect my decision making for the rest of my life.

Scars

2010-01-08T22:07:00.002-06:00

I spoke with a friend of mine on the phone this week, and she made the comment, "Cults are like scars." She continued to talk about how cults leave a permanent mark on a person, even after healing takes place.

I have been thinking about this the past few days. My son has a scar on his forehead from an accident that happened when he was two years old. Most people probably can't see it, but I can. When I look at his scar I see more than just a mark. I remember the whole painful event, including all the tears. I remember sitting with him in the emergency room, and waiting for our name to be called. It seemed like forever. I remember the stitches, and watching it heal, and the bruise that was so large and dark, I thought it would never go away. But it did. And new skin has grown in, the wound is healed, and he no longer feels pain; yet a scar remains.

His scar tells a story. I know his story because I was with him in every step of the process.

I was thinking about Jesus, and how His scars still remain on Him. And He is not only healed, but heals others. He is the Healer. Yet His scars remain, and they tell the story of His life and death.

If you look close enough, almost everyone has a scar somewhere. Everyone, not just those involved in cults. If you hang out with someone long enough, you might hear their story of how it got there. Not just a story about pain and suffering and tragedy, but a story that ends with a chapter on healing.

On that note, I would like to say that I am looking forward to the next season in my life, one that I feel will be a season of healing for me. Me and my son, Cade, will be flying to France next week, where we will be living for the next six months. We will both be in school, and we look forward to meeting new people, learning new things, and having new experiences. If you would like to hear about our adventures, I started a blog for friends and family. http://mandcinfrance.blogspot.com

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!!

"Aren't You Glad You Used Dial?"

2009-11-24T08:53:00.002-06:00

I was shopping a couple days ago, and as I was getting ready to check out, I remembered the one item I needed to get, but of course forgot to write down. Soap!!! So, I managed to navigate my overloaded cart out of the checkout aisle, and headed down to the "beauty" section of the grocery store.

And, man, there are a lot of options when it comes to soap!! Soap has its own aisle. So as I stood there, staring at my many choices, I picked up a bar of "Dial" because it was on sale. Immediately, the old jingle from the Dial commercial went through my head, "Aren't you glad you used Dial? Don't use wish everybody did?"

That jingle might not even be used anymore today, but I have heard it so many times in the past that I can still recall it. Years and years later I can still remember the tune as well as the commercial. Who knows how many times I may have heard it? Fifty? A hundred?

And then I began to think about how many times I heard certain phrases repeated during the ten years I spent in a religious cult. How often things still pop up in my head and mess with me. Ten years of living in an "environment of the word" as it was called, is much more influential than being exposed to a commercial on occasion over the course of a few years. In my opinion.

This tells me that I need to be more patient with myself. Sometimes I see that I still get fearful that I might have "missed the Lord” or an "opportunity to go with the Lamb"; these are just a couple of the one-liners frequently spoken at New Creation. The fear is nowhere near the level that it used to be when I lived there, and the thoughts come much more infrequently, but nevertheless they are still there, as somewhat of a force to be contended with.

I think back on how I felt when I used to be living at the cult and under the teaching. Never was I doing more outwardly to "serve the Lord," but I always, I mean always, had this feeling that I was not doing enough. Not pouring out enough, missing little opportunities here and there because I choose "self" instead of the "Lamb," and how heartbreaking that must be to God. I wanted to be a part of that company that followed the Lamb wherever He goes, like the Scripture talks about, but I was always falling short. And so went the never-ending cycle of feeling guilty, through fear, which came from the teaching, which resulted in me serving more and serving harder. And isn't that the story in all cults? Fear and guilt and intimidation used to keep members involved, all to the benefit of whom? Possibly the leaders? Just a thought.

I think about who benefits the most as a result of this "formula" of living, and yes, it is the leaders. All the free labor they get, as well as their own egos and ambitions being fed, whether that be for doing something great for God or for their own "vision" or business. When I was in the group, I used to think about how “poured out for God” our leader was. How tired he was all the time, and in ill health, and how he has sacrificed so much for us. There is no way I could be as poured out as he has been. I owed my life to this place and its "vision."

Now, from an outside perspective, I see these things a bit differently. I am glad that my efforts in life are benefiting me and my family. I am enjoying using my own mind and coming to my own conclusions and making my own decisions for my life. I am no longer acting like a sponge and taking in spiritual one-liners as answers from people that seem more spiritual than me. That was an easy way out. Even though I would never have believed at the time that I was doing that, I was. Even though these spiritual phrases and pre-packaged "one-liners" have not been completely removed from my head, at least now, like the sponge, they are no longer being absorbed.

Only the Best are Recruited

2009-10-30T10:41:00.003-05:00

Only the best are recruited.

I was at the gym a couple days ago, sitting outside the room where my body sculpting class was about to take place. I found myself observing, very inconspicuously of course, those who were working out around me. I noticed some people were working with their personal trainers. Possibly they were athletes, some of them definitely looked like they were in top physical athletic condition. And that is when I began to think about the recruiting process.

As we all know, when someone gets recruited to play a sport in college, that usually means a lot of things. The student will sometimes get their tuition covered and all sorts of other benefits. And what does the school get that does the recruiting? The performance from the athlete, and the strength he or she will bring to the school’s team and to the reputation of the school. But in order to even get recruited, your performance has to stand out amongst others in your field, be it athletics, theatre, music, etc. Only the best get recruited.

Okay, now bring that into the "field" of cult recruitment. I know I have struggled with feeling of embarrassment that I was recruited into a cult. I DO realize that I was deceived, and that the recruiting methods were not exactly "upfront and honest" (to say the very least) when it came to what was to be expected of me, much less what was to be gained by the cult and the cult leader as a result of my involvement. Nevertheless, telling someone you were recruited into a cult is a whole different thing than telling someone you were recruited by a college, or any other official institution for that matter!!!

BUT... what struck me as I sat outside that workout room, waiting to put myself through an hour of iron-pumping hell, was that only the best are recruited. The things that the cult had used and exploited for its own purposes are still the things that make up who I am today. In fact, cults want people who are hard-working and can be of a strength and a benefit to the group, or better said, to the leader. We used to say in our group, "God wants to use your skills for His kingdom. He is drawing people who have many different talents and skills to be used, not in the world, but for Him." That used to sound so pure and so right to me. Now it just sounds like another deceptive recruiting method, used to bring in more people to the group to benefit Randy's "vision."

Yes, I am a hard-working, passionate person, who likes to give myself wholeheartedly to what I believe in. I like that part of myself and never want it to go away. But I now see that I am in control of my own life and it is up to me where I will direct that passion, and I know that God is with me despite the direction I may take. Wherever I go. He gave me a mind, and He gave me freedom; in fact, He died to give me freedom, and He is happy that I am using what has been given to me. The cult tried to make me think those things were given to me to be used for Randy Nusbaum’s "vision" and "message of the cross" and for his purposes and his personal benefits. That is called exploitation.

Okay, so some basic differences between cult recruitment and, say, college recruitment:

1. Colleges give you a specific timetable of how long you will be "playing" at their school, for example, four years. Then you are done. When a cult recruits you, they rarely just "let you go," especially if you are a benefit to them, even though you may have served there for years. And when you leave there are major penalties - like being shunned from the group, etc.

2. College recruits know that they are being recruited with the expectation to perform athletically, musically, etc. They are aware of that from the beginning. Cult recruits are not told that they are expected to perform usually until AFTER they get signed up. And, man, the level of performance that is expected is usually exhausting at best, in not completely unobtainable.

3. College recruits realize that their performance will affect the reputation of the school. If they play badly, and do not deliver at game time, the school will not make the playoffs, etc. There is the possibility that one could lose the scholarship if poor performance continues. That is understood by the recruit. For cults, there is also a reputation to be protected. That of the group and that of the leader. From what I saw go down in my group, those who questioned the leader concerning his actions, or even spoke negatively about him, were demonized and more or less kicked out through being shunned. But again, possible repercussions such as these were never made clear at sign-up time.

I am sure there are many more comparisons, but these are a few that come to mind. Maybe you might have a couple to add?

I am deciding not to feel embarrassed about the fact that I was recruited into a cult anymore. Those same qualities that have been exploited are now mine to use as I desire. And that gives me hope.

Thoughts From the Cultic Studies Conference

2009-10-17T09:48:00.002-05:00

Well, about two weeks ago I returned from attending my first International Cultic Studies Association conference in Denver, Colorado. It lasted for two days, and man, was it packed full of a lot of great stuff.

At first, I'll admit, I was thinking about not going because it was only two days. The expenses involved for only a two day conference seemed too high. But I do not think that I could have handled another day of sessions, emotionally. It was really hard to hear so much about cult abuse and to just sit and listen to the stories and the reality of the horrors that people have lived through.

I learned a lot about this group of people called "second generation adults" or SGA's as they are now called. These are people who are born and raised in cults, and when they leave they often leave their entire family behind, and have no prior identity or life to return to. The things some of these people had experienced and lived through are mind-blowing. And that they have survived to tell their stories. It really helped me put things in perspective in my own experience. I was in my group for ten years, and it has been the most difficult trial I have had to face in my life thus far. It also made me think of the people that are still in the cult that I was a part of who have been born and raised in the group. Especially the children of the leaders. It has given me more understanding of possibly why they are the way they are.

I realize that there are no quick answers to healing. I have been out for almost two years and in some ways it is not getting easier, but even harder. I am realizing that ten years is a long time; it was a long time compared to most of the people at the conference. Except the SGA group that is. I have realized that I am in control of my life now, and I am learning to take more control of it as time goes on. And it is scary to me sometimes, because I have this wonderful child with me on this adventure, sitting in the backseat, and wherever I decide to go, he will be affected by those decisions. Man, in so many it felt so much easier to just let someone else navigate life. But look where that got me.

I found myself getting irritated with some people who would complain about how hard it was to leave, and how they felt like they lost everything. But, they still had their spouse, and had the support of their blood families, and in many cases their careers. I felt like saying, "At least you guys had each other, and still have each other for support. Stop bitching!" Obviously I have some hurt there. And everyone's pain is relative to their own life situation. But I do not know if people really understand how awesome it must be to have family supporting you in your time of leaving a cult. I know I can only wish I had that.

I found myself irritated with people who left their groups but still had an education and/or a career to fall back on. Again, I felt like saying, "Why are you bitching? At least you can support yourself!!!" But again, that is me speaking out from my own pain.

I found myself not wanting to leave the conference and return to my life back in Texas, so the last day I was there I was a bit depressed. I see that there is still a desire in me to escape from painful situations in life. Which is exactly what I did when I joined the cult.

The last night at the conference I hung out with two friends of mine who were also attending the conference, and we had a great time. We stayed up late and laughed and laughed and had a great time. Man, laughter is some powerful medicine, ya know? I think that we could all use some more of that in life, don't you?

The Trickery of Titles

2009-09-20T20:15:00.004-05:00

Recently, I caught myself saying something that showed I still have some sort of attachment to the "titles” that my cult had so graciously bestowed upon me. Yes, me, the faithful and deserving one. Or better said, "serving one".

I had just finished creatively integrating my cult skills into meaningful and realistic "past job experiences" on my resume. (This is something all of us ex-cult members must contend with as we begin to re-enter the real world, especially those of us who have these, like, DECADE-long gaps in our job histories that must be filled with something other than "cult team member.")

I was talking to someone about my past job experiences and caught myself saying, "Oh, yeah, I was a teacher once, too, at this Bible School, and I was a leader there, too, I was the 'Dean of Women' for a brief time, and I was, like, in charge of all the girls on 'property'." And this person, of course, had no idea what these titles meant, nor that I was in a cult, and I was surprised as these words came out of my mouth. I saw how these titles still have given me some sense of pride and accomplishment and worth.

I think they have done a lot more than that. They kept me there, thinking that what I was doing was important. It made me feel needed. It made me feel like I was really accomplishing something big for the Kingdom of God. I was busy all right, to the point of exhaustion. After al, I had a duty to fulfill. I was the "Dean". Had to be a good example. In fact, the duties just continued to grow and grow and grow. Eventually that feeling of accomplishment that came through upholding this title, by fulfilling these duties, resulted in burning me out. Major burnout.

Sometimes I think about the children of Israel when they were slaves in Egypt. Their brick loads continued to get heavier and heavier and heavier until one day they cried out to God to be delivered from their bondage. Spiritual abuse and spiritual bondage is kind of like that.

The funny thing is, these "titles” were nothing other than handcrafted labels created by an ever-changing leadership. The titles themselves were ever-changing. We were told that the reason for this was, "God is always doing something new here!" But, you know what I think? I think these "titles” given to the group workforce from the untouchable all knowing leadership, were stratigically administered. At chosen times they were given with a purpose, possibly to control the members for a longer period of time. Think about it: If the hardcore, hard-working members of the cult leave, how will things keep running?

These seasons of change would come, of course, when "God was doing something new!!" (and only a few in the inner circle of leadership were able to specifically hear from God as to what these changes were). This often meant Randy, being the spiritual head of the group, had heard from God as to how the leadership was switching up. I now wonder if these revelations of new leadership roles and titles were nothing more than Randy naturally evaluating what certain members needed to stay around. I think it was all about control, under the guise of "hearing from the Lord." This makes me want to vomit.

I wonder, would I have stayed in the group as long as I did if I was not given some sort of leadership responsibility after awhile? Some title or something to make me feel like what I was doing was of some real importance? I know someone who has been given the name of "assistant pastor." He takes this very seriously, but I am sorry to say, I see this as yet another form of control extending from leadership over this young man’s life. It has given him a great sense of importance and he truly believes this is God’s calling on his life. This grieves me.

I cannot tell you how much fulfillment comes when I get to converse with others who have been involved in cults and have been spiritually abused, and the connection and the understanding and the kindred spirit that is there. I believe the things that I have been through have prepared me to understand and help others who have been abused spiritually. I am going to my first international cult conference in a week and I can't tell you how excited I am to share my story, to meet new people and begin fighting in this field for the hurt and oppressed.

But, I will just break it down here, and share what my actual title was, versus what the job really required. I was, briefly, the "Dean of Women” on the cult Bible School grounds. Sounds big and high and mighty, huh? Well, this meant that I checked up on like the two to maybe seven (max!) single girls to make sure their lights were out at curfew, resolve occasional conflicts, and enforce the controlling handbook rules when there would be a student who still was not willing to surrender over her rational thought and submit to the ridiculous day-by-day, rigid, controlling cult schedule, designed and enforced for us, the true disciples, the sincerely-given. So we could be brought under mind control, and in turn one day get a title and be used to bring others under mind control.

There are many more examples I could give here, but you get the idea.

The trickery of titles. Who really benefited from them in the end, anyway: The one who received the title, or the leadership who created it?

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

2009-08-31T17:14:00.003-05:00

Well, it has been awhile since I last posted, and a lot has happened. One major and unfortunate event has occurred. Two weeks ago marks the passing away of Dr. Paul Martin. He was the founder of Wellspring Retreat & Resource Center in Ohio - http://wellspringretreat.org/, a wonderful place that helped bring me back to sanity when I spent two weeks at the Center last fall after leaving my cult. A wonderful place and an even more wonderful man. He is sorely missed by many. I have linked a couple sites in which sentiments concerning the work and life of Dr. Martin were recently posted. One is the International Cultic Studies Association Website, and the other is the Rick Ross cult awareness site:

http://www.icsahome.com/infoserv_profile/martin_paul_reflections.htm
http://www.cultnews.com/?p=2384

It has been two years now since I first left the "property" of the Bible-based cult that I had been a part of for ten years. It was the best decision I have ever made. Now looking back in retrospect at the things that were taking place and subsequently led up to the departure, I have a new and, yes, even thankful perspective. These were painful, yet necessary events that prompted me to pack my bags.

The mistreatment that was so painful, causing me to even question my belief in God, is now something that I can honestly give a loud and sincere "Oh, God, thank you, thank you, thank so much!!" No joke. A year ago if someone told me (and believe me, people did) that I should be thankful instead of being angry for whatever it took to get me out of that hellhole, inside I would have felt like telling them… Well, okay, maybe I should not pen those thoughts here. But as the dust has started to settle, and hindsight is bringing some clarity, I can hardly believe that I am starting, just starting, to be thankful for these events. I honestly feel some gratitude for the things that caused me to move on with my life. Thankful, to some degree.

So I decided to do some blogging, and give a shout out, Grammy awards style, to all those who helped me come to the final decision to pack my bags and move out of cultville.

"I would first like to thank all those in leadership at Accelerated Christian Training School and New Creation Fellowship who, through their continued abuse of authority, contributed to keeping me in a state of dependency upon their ability to hear from God for my life decisions. I also want to thank those who were in leadership at the Bible School (ACTS) for keeping me so busy with menial tasks, day in and day out, that I lived in a constant state of sleep deprivation, which resulted in my critical thinking skills becoming severely weakened, so much so that years of my life just passed away without me really stepping back and analyzing the fact that I was busy, but really producing nothing, nor going anywhere.

“I would like to give a special shout-out to one of the pastor's daughters for being one of the most mean-spirited and spiritually-abusive people I have ever encountered in my life. Through your continued verbal beat-downs and spiritual bullying, the idea of leaving began to enter my mind, causing me to begin to see that the cult environment was really a place of control, and not a place I wanted to be a part of any longer. Oh, thank you!! God has really used you, in a very special way, in many people’s lives.

“And last, but not least, I would like to thank Randy Nusbaum for making all of this possible, for if it was not for him and his "vision" to make an "environment to know the Lord" in Denton, Texas, for those who have been "called to be (real) disciples of Christ" (Randy's teachings), none of this would have been possible!!!”

I imagine some who may read this might be thinking that I went too far, and of course, please feel free to think whatever you want!!! That is a freedom I will never allow to be taken from me again. But, ya know what? That is the truth, and so many people who have been abused feel that they must cover up their abusers, and they feel like it is their fault, and they feel ashamed. But I am no longer ashamed, nor am I going to keep my mouth shut any longer about the crazy spiritual abuse that I and many others endure and have endured for years in that place. What's funny, is that all of the "true" believers of the cross that remain in this group has been whittled down to about thirty members.

I was a young woman, confused, going through a divorce, looking for answers and for love and acceptance somewhere, and I fell into a trap by trusting you. And I was deceived, and it was not my fault. If I remember anything from my two weeks of counseling with Dr. Martin, it was that. I do not feel guilty any longer about being in a cult for ten years, because I was deceived. Like buying into false marketing, I was told that what I would be getting was something very, very different than what it really was.

And I think about all the people today who are in a place in their lives like I was twelve years ago, and I see them falling into the same trap… because, like me, they have no idea that they have just encountered a cult.

And my anger is justified, and my anger motivates me and will continue to motivate me to do what I now know I am going to do with my life. Because anger is not wrong, nor is it "anti-Lamb" or whatever false teaching concerning a human being’s emotions that was taught under this "cross" teaching. God gave me my emotions, and I listen to them, and they are a part of me that is not to be denied, belittled, or ignored for a higher, spiritual good.

Know what else? I still have a relationship with God. Contrary to what has been believed of me, my faith is more real than it ever has been in my life. I am not earning anything, not am I consumed with religious activity. As a result, I am not judging people like I did when I was a member of the "elite and chosen." I am no different than anyone else in this world, and I am okay with that.

It really is "a time to speak” in my life. And I look forward to speaking more. I feel that it is only just beginning.

It Is More Than Okay To Believe In Yourself!

2009-08-03T15:55:00.003-05:00

I just read an article in a magazine while sitting on an airplane that I found incredibly inspiring. The article was focused on women who have become successful and have made contributions to society through their respective work. My attention was drawn to the story of one woman who is my age, and is a multimillionaire, and has made great contributions to the world through her scientific work.

Okay, I admit that I was originally drawn to her story because she was my age and I compare myself with other women my age. Which I think can be good and bad. But when you have been in a cult for ten years and generally feel behind on everything in life, it is wise to be careful when drawing such comparisons. Regardless, it was her attitude and determination that I found inspiring.

She said, and I will do my best to paraphrase here, that she always overshot on what she believed her potential to be. At best, she said, you learn that you have the ability to go further than you ever thought you could. At worst, you discover your own limitations. Awesome.

If we will not be our own life coach, who will be? If we will not believe in ourselves, who else will? In the cult that I was a part of, we were told not to believe or trust in ourselves, but "in the living God." Why would God give me strengths and abilities if I was to disregard them? Was He wrong in giving them to me and making me the way that I am? Or is He just some kind of trickster who gave them to me but wants me to never pick them up and use them, just look at them, regard them as evil, and deny them daily. I don't think so. That is, anymore.

Sometimes in life we have people walking by our side who encourage us, who see us for who we are, and help us when we forget who that is. But sometimes we don't have those people with us, and I think that is when we become our own life coach. And what kind of coach are we?

Before I joined the cult, I was the kind of life coach that was pretty negative. I would always tell myself that I was never good enough, would never be the kind of person I wanted to be, a failure in life, etc. A self-defeating coach. Then I joined the cult and I let other people be my life coach. I let other people tell me what my strengths and "gifts" were, as well as my weaknesses and flaws. I allowed these coaches to define who I was and what I needed to work on in my life to be a stronger Christian or overcome a demon problem or become more Christ-centered or whatever it was I was striving for. You see, I allowed them to put me in a box, and label me, and keep me there for years. Through allowing these other spiritual leaders to "coach" me, I had given them control over my life.

But not anymore. I am taking control of my own life and I like it. I am so much more than that cult ever made me out to be. My self-esteem took a beat down in that "environment" (that is what we called the property of our cult, a total Christian living environment). But I say, watch out, I am commin’ up stronger than ever. Hence the URL name of my blog, emkaycomminup. Molly Koshatka is no longer some weak beaten-down Christian who can't believe or trust in herself anymore so she must rely on her spiritual "coverings." I know that I can do far beyond what anyone, including myself, has ever imagined I could. "Just Tell Me I Can’t." I say this to myself on a regular basis.

Am I entertaining grandiose thoughts? Has my ego just drastically inflated?

No, I just believe in myself now. I know that I can be all that I want to become. I know that I can trust myself and my intuition and my strengths, and the very worst thing that will happen to me is that I will know my own limitations, and there is no fear of that. Finding your limitations is not failure. All of us have them, and I wonder if most of us perceive that our limitations are closer than they really are?

My Body is More than Just a Tractor Trailer!!!

2009-07-24T08:57:00.002-05:00

Yes, it is true. I have come to the conclusion that my body is more than a "tractor trailer" for Jesus. This sounds absolutely comical now, whereas before it was one of my beliefs. It was a phrase that our cult leader used to say all the time. "People, this body here is nothing more than a tractor trailer for Jesus! It needs to line up with the Spirit!" This meant that our physical bodies were simply containers or "tractor trailers" that housed the life of Christ. The real treasure, or the life of real importance, was not the trailer, (our physical body), but the spiritual life within it.

How did this affect my daily life? Oh, let me tell you!! If I was tired, I would tell my body to "line up with the Spirit" and keep on going, because I was not going to be ruled by my body, my body was given to me to serve God! If I was hungry, and it wasn't the "right time" to eat, I would tell my body to line up with the Spirit, for we were not to be ruled by our feelings, but we were to be ruled by the Spirit. After all, who are we serving? The flesh and all of its cravings and lusts, or God? It was in these small daily decisions where we really choose who we were serving, self or God. When nobody was looking. And that is how I/we really believed and lived.

Can I tell you where this kind of thinking got me? I look back and see how I lived in a state of sleep deprivation for years of my life, thinking it was glorifying to God in some twisted way. I have since learned that many cults seek to keep their followers in a state of sleep deprivation because it keeps a person passive, and open to suggestion. In a nutshell, easier to control! I have had some health problems; although minor, I know these issues are a result of not listening to or caring for my physical body for years. Within six months of leaving the cult, I had my eyes checked and got glasses, which really helped with the headache problem. Go figure. I found out I had a couple cavities and got them filled. I went back to school and received HEALTH INSURANCE!! Yes, that non-spiritual waste of money for those who lack faith, or are simply being self-centered instead of Christ-centered. I purchased some insurance and have been able to receive regular checkups. Imagine that!!

I remember all the people in the group who had and maybe still have some major health problems and can't help but think that it could be related to holding on to this doctrine. When we were in the group, sickness was something that was usually looked at as an attack from the devil or something demonic that we had possibly "opened ourselves up to." Demons and their attacks were something we spoke of frequently. And thought of frequently. I don't think about demons and how they are attacking me or how I may have "opened myself up to their attacks" anymore. And I think this has greatly improved my mental health!!!!

I listen to my feelings now, because they are there to help me care for myself. They need to be listened to. If I have my hand on a stove and it feels hot, I should listen to that feeling and remove my hand or else it will get burnt. My feelings are there to protect me. I think about how many times I denied listening to my feelings while I was in the cult. And man, did I ever get burnt. My feelings, heck my common sense, was trying to tell me for years that things were not right! But I didn't listen to those "Adamic" thoughts, because I wanted to serve God. What would have happened if I did listen to my own thoughts and feelings while I was in the cult? Those feelings that told me that something is just not right here? I think I might have left a long time before I actually did.

I think about the comments that I hear from others since I left. Things like, "how did you live there and live like that for so long? I don't get it." And I never knew how to answer. But I have begun to see that teaching people not to listen to themselves is a great way to get and keep them under your control.

Yes, my body has more value to me today than just some thing I am hauling around that must be brought into submission. It is a part of me that I am learning to listen to. And care for. Because my own thoughts and feelings are worth listening to and caring for. And my own thoughts and feelings have more value to me now than Randy Nusbaum's thoughts do.

Freedom Never Felt So Good!!

2009-06-23T08:40:00.002-05:00

I am so inspired by my friend Amy Shipley. She attended Wellspring the same time I did, and she is in the process of suing her cult, she and a group of the cult’s former members. She recently shared her story on the news, and I attached the link below. It is only a couple minutes, and if you have the time, check it out:

http://www.wetv.com/video/34783830001/cults-cult-rehab

I have been wondering why it seems like life has gotten harder in so many ways since I left the cult that I had been involved in for ten years. There have been a lot of things that I have had to "deal" with, make decisions regarding, and face since my departure. It is almost like I am beginning right where I left off, when I was twenty-one years old. And I feel like I am playing catch-up. And that makes me mad because I forsook all of these major life decisions because I sincerely believed God wanted me to surrender "all" to Him, which I thought meant my career aspirations, life goals, dreams, independent thought and my critical thinking. I believed that these were all part of my carnal mind, the carnal mind that is an enemy of God. And part of an old man that was crucified, which I would need to reckon dead whenever it tried to live, if I really believed in the cross, that is. I think I had been suppressing my true self during this decade of "reckoning." And now that I am no longer suppressing myself and religiously beating myself down, I am being reintroduced to myself, in a sense, as my personality and dreams begin to naturally inflate and come to life again.

As I observe myself in this sense, I have to say I like what I see!! Instead of seeing a person who never chooses to go with the Lord enough, is never "pouring out" enough (meaning serving as much as I could/should), never "in the Word” (searching the Scriptures) enough, never, never, never... enough!!! I see someone who is no longer living under a guilty conscience!! I am not so aware of my spiritual performance. In fact, I don't even think about how I am measuring up spiritually anymore, and it feels good. I am getting in touch with my dreams again and I am finding pleasure in pursuing them. I take the time to get a good night's sleep, to eat well, and to take care of myself physically, because I am worth it. I believe that God thinks I am worth it, and I now believe it was never Him pushing me to exhaustion and self-loathing and constant busyness in religious activity. I feel free - free enough to not have to sit around all day thinking about God to know that things are cool between us. Free to live my life - the life that He gave me and wants me to live.

I have recently heard that it has been said of me, by those still in the group, that I have left God. I don't go to church, I am really into pursueing a career, and on weekends all I care about is going out. I'm just serving myself now. The truth is, I have never felt so free, free in my relationship with God. Things between us have never been more real and more alive! Free from man's approval and free and secure in God's. It really is not based on my works. At all. Free to love myself as the person He made me, even with all my frailties. This is why I can forgive myself instead of beating myself up constantly, and this is why I can forgive others instead of judging them constantly. I hear myself laugh now and I like the sound of it. I look in the mirror and I see eyes without huge dark circles underneath them, and I like it!! Someone who has known me for years, even before I joined the cult, told me recently that they are seeing my personality come back. Said they are glad, because they missed it. I think I missed it too.

As hard as it has been to face all of the changes that I have had to face since leaving the cult, I would not exchange one drop of this freedom for anything.

When Things Started to Change

2009-06-10T08:27:00.002-05:00

I just read a blog posting that a fellow ex-ACTS Bible School member and ex-Randy Nusbaum follower wrote (and she is a fellow "Molly" as well!). She was at the cult grounds when I first got recruited, and writes about her experience at the site listed below. It is good. Like, really good. Molly, thank you, girl for writing.

http://adventuresinmercy.wordpress.com/2009/06/08/another-molly-blogging-about-life-in-a-bible-based-cult-acts-christ-as-life-new-creation-fellowship/ (This blog is no longer available to read.)

So, during those beginning months of the "dark period", the months immediately following our departure, we (I, my husband at the time, and our son) began to question a lot of things. After a couple months the "c" word - “CULT” - came up. We began to wonder if we were part of one. We did not even know what a cult was! At the time I thought cults were satanic ritual groups or Jim Jones or David Koresh groups. Oh, yeah, and those Moonies. But were we a cult?

I remember that we used to joke about being called a cult when I was in the group. Apparently, the church and especially the Bible School had been called this dreaded "c" word on more than one occasion, and by more than one concerned parent of a newly-recruited and recent college dropout child. We would laugh and say that people think we are a cult because they don't understand what is happening in the kingdom and can't see what is happening in the Spirit! Those silly, blind, unsaved, carnal people. If only they could see like we did! It was almost like talking about it in this carefree manner inoculated us from any real concerns or questions about being a cult that would come from someone on the outside, or even our own minds.

So… we looked online at some Websites that listed criteria for a cult. And we were blown away. I mean, blown away. The Bible School fit like 14 out of the 15 criteria. And so we would go to another Website and read more. And so we went on Amazon and ordered like eight books about Bible-based cults and spiritual abuse and devoured them upon delivery. We were so hungry for answers and to find some sort of understanding as to what the hell had happened. I remember the first time I came across the term "spiritual abuse." I had never heard of such a thing. It was all so new to me. I was like, "There are books out about this stuff? Lots of people have been through this? Wow!" It was exciting and encouraging, but really sad, too, and yet encouraging.

The first book I read was one called "Toxic Faith" by Stephen Arterburn. Awesome, awesome. Then I read a book by a woman, who has become a friend and an incredible support to me, Wendy Duncan. It is titled "I Can't Hear God Anymore: Life in a Dallas Cult." The reason we ordered this one off Amazon was because Dallas was in the title, and we live so close by. I read this book in two days, and I was blown away by the similarities between her cult and mine. Through a Web link I found printed on the back of the book, I was able to reach Wendy and found out that they lead a support group once a month in Dallas for victims of spiritual and cult abuse.

We laugh now about this, but I called Wendy like three times the first day I found her phone number, and she was at work. I was so excited to talk to her - because I read her book and I knew that she understood. I was like, "Wendy Duncan, you do not know me, but you are going to be my friend, oh yes, you are going to be my friend." The similarities are so striking between her cult and mine because, as we have discovered, we were taught the same doctrine, and our cult leaders have been taught by the same teachers, and are associated with the same groups of ministers. Our cults are literally like sister cults, if you will. Similar abuses of similar Scriptures and similar abuses of authority and spiritual manipulation.

Wendy was somebody I was able to pour out my heart to. In many of my darkest nights, times when I thought I might need to check myself into a facility because I thought I might be losing my sanity (but who would take care of my son?), I would call Wendy. When the panic attacks began, which I had never experienced before in my life, I would call Wendy, and she would coach me through them. I had a panic attack that was so bad one night, I called 9-1-1 and an ambulance came and took me to the hospital, because I was sure I was having a heart attack and I thought I might die. No, just a panic attack in my sleep. And the dreams - waking up in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat, filled with fear that I might have made a really, really, bad choice because I left this group, meaning, “Did I really just leave the place on earth where God Himself had called me, a place, possibly one of the only places on the face of the earth where the true gospel is being preached? And if so, what purpose does my life now have? What if I have made a huge mistake with consequences that I will have to pay for the rest of my life?" I found out that this is called PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, and is something that is, unfortunately, experienced by MANY people who exit cults. I am thankful that through the support I have received, and education from these people, as well as professional help and medication, this has gotten under control.

Again, do I say these things to get people to feel sorry for me? No, not at all. But let me ask this question: Is this what people go through when they leave a healthy church?

If it wasn't for educated professionals who understand mental health and cult abuse and psychology and psychiatry, I would not be where I am today. I am so thankful for the people who have expertise in these areas, because I do not know where I would be today without their help. In the cult, getting a "worldly" education (meaning college) or having a career was something frowned upon, as it was considered a worldly pursuit. The same was true with receiving professional counsel, as we were all led to believe that Randy was our shepherd and would hear from the Lord for us on just about anything. Even though he is an uneducated man. It is scary to think of all the problems that people have brought to him that he is completely unequipped to help them with, yet he does not point them in the direction towards speaking with a professional, because that may mean he would lose some control. And he couldn't have that. In my opinion, that is. I think of the many people in that small group that appear, in my opinion, to have serious depression and other mental health and physical health problems. In the cult, many of these things are considered "physical manifestations" of a spiritual problem or spiritual attack. Sickness and depression are often looked at as an attack from Satan or from a demon. There were always demonic attacks happening in the spirit realm. This obsession with demons is another common trait found in almost all Bible-based cults. Another shocking discovery.

For example, there is a girl in the cult who believes that she gets "hit" so hard in the spirit realm by demons because she is the daughter of the "seed" himself (Randy). These "demonic" attacks directed towards her have resulted in her body becoming physically ill, or so she believes. And because Randy is her dad, and because Satan cannot touch Randy like he (Satan) would like to, he has launched an attack against his children, including her, because she is the offspring of the seed (Randy). So, because she is sick more often than others, and this was definitely true, it was "spiritualized", and the cross that she had to bear being the "seed's" daughter. I just busted out laughing when I wrote that, because it now sounds so, so out there, it is comical. But, let me tell you, I wholeheartedly believed this to be true when I was in the group. And this is just one example of how sickness and depression where spiritualized. This belief toward sickness, for example, was one of our secrets, or unspoken understandings, that only those who really are knowing the cross could possibly understand.

So, it was through Wendy and her husband Doug, who are both professionals in the mental health field, that I found out about Wellspring Retreat & Resource Center (a two-week intensive retreat center for victims of cult abuse) in Ohio, and Dr. Paul Martin. And I went there last November, and through the support of Wendy and Doug and the support group, and my two weeks with Dr. Martin at Wellspring, my life has been touched and affected in such a way that I will never be the same.

This is what it was like at Wellspring. I got there on a Friday, and there were two others girls who had just arrived. We were the only three clients for that two-week session, and I don't think they admit over three clients at once. We were all about the same age, but from very different cultic groups. Yet, the ironic thing is, our departure stories and recovery issues are the same. And we got along so well and had so much fun together. I still keep in touch with one girl on almost a daily basis. She is an amazing support to me. I remember that I started laughing again around this time.

Every morning we would each meet with Dr. Martin for two hours of one-on-one counseling, and then we had workshops in the afternoon on topics like mind control. The video room was filled with DVDs on every cult group and topic imaginable. At night we watched a lot of those. I began to feel that I was not alone in my experience, hardly alone. There are so, so many others who have stories just like mine, and have gotten free. This affected me.

Around this time I began to get in touch with others who had left the church, and listened to them, and really listened to them, and could relate. Honestly, I had been so programmed to think that these people had fallen into Satan's camp that it took me awhile to even open up to talking to other ex-members of my same group. Now I see that I am viewed as one of them. And many of them have been and are an incredible support to me. We really understand each other, having gone through the same abuses from the same people. I have read that this kind of kindred spirit is something experienced by veterans of war. When they meet, there is just an understanding of what each other has been through, and a respect and this understanding that is there and can only be there as a result of sharing the same experience. I have found this to be true with other ex-cultists that I have met, even thought they may have been involved in different types of groups. That kindred spirit is there.

Through the sessions with Dr. Martin some things really hit me. The first big one was that I was deceived. I felt so much shame and embarrassment for being in a cult, it was hard to talk about it, and I couldn't shake it. So many people were telling me to be happy that I was out, and to look forward to what's ahead and move on with your life. But, as many of you know, it is not that easy to shake - being under mind control for, in my case, a decade. It was like I had this dark secret that nobody knew about. But I began, just began, to understand that I was deceived, and that it wasn't my fault. And I stopped blaming myself.

I also came to the realization that I do not have to work to earn God's love. Funny, I was in a place that outwardly preached grace, but I came to the realization that I had been working, for years, to earn something that I have been given freely. Like, I don't ever have to do anything "religious" or pro-God again in my life, and He is cool with me. It was like a huge burden was taken off my shoulders. And to this very day, I don't go to church or participate in any religious activities or groups, because I don't want to. I don't read the Bible and I don't miss it. That may change, or it may not. There are too many other things I am enjoying reading. Like books about mind control and cult recovery, written by professionals, and books on fashion or travel or whatever else I feel like reading. I am pursuing my dreams and taking care of myself and staying happy. I know that is what I want for my kid, why wouldn't God want the same for me?

When I think of Dr. Martin, and knowing that his health has been failing him, and that I was one of the last clients to see him last fall before he was admitted to the hospital, my eyes fill with tears. When I first heard that he had to go to the hospital, I cried. I mean, I just wept. And I only knew him for a couple weeks. But man, I am so incredibly thankful for what he has chosen to do with his cult experience (he was also in a Bible-based cult, for seven years). And for all those who have "come out" with their experiences, and made themselves open to others. Many who I am just meeting now. It is causing me to reconsider somethings in relation to my own career path.

How It All Began, part two

2009-06-04T08:40:00.002-05:00

As another year slips by,

I remain sedated on a religious high.

Justifying unrealized dreams,

holding the syringe, I chose the fantasy.

I don't know how long exactly this beginning honeymoon period lasted, maybe two to four months. It was shortly after this period when the heavy workload came, and it just seemed to get heavier and heavier as time went on.

This is what a typical week was like living on the cult "property." We woke up and went to work, and the guys all worked together doing construction, and many times the girls all worked together at the same place of employment. We believed that it was God's will for us to be together so we could be a bigger "expression of Christ" in this dark world. By three in the afternoon we all returned for Bible classes that continued until nine. Sometimes we ate meals together, and between classes we had chores to do, homework to do, groups to attend and other responsibilities on property that had to be taken care of. Always busy. On Saturday there was almost always a mandatory (meaning we had to attend) workday on the property, or at one of the leaders' homes. Or there was fundraising, constantly fundraising going on, for "mission trips." These funds were raised through car washes, garage sales, auctions of donated items, various cook-offs, dances - you name it and it has probably been done. I know so many fundraising ideas from having to do them for so many years, it is kind of impressive. This constant fundraising activity is, again, a common denominator in almost all cults.

And then there was Sunday!! The “Day of Rest,” which was actually the busiest day of all! We had church services twice a day. The first service went from ten to about two in the afternoon, and the second service went from six to nine at night. Now if the "Spirit of God" was really moving, services could last for a lot longer, as you know we were "led of the Spirit." As the years went on, these days became the most tiring of all, as my responsibilities grew. I was a music leader, so this meant organizing a team of musicians and the music to begin the services, which was to last an hour. I was also a children’s church teacher, and played on other music teams, which required practice and time. There were Sundays when I would go directly from doing music to teaching the kids. This meant my "free" Saturday was spent preparing for Sunday.

By the time I left, I was a teacher at the Bible School, for which I spent many, many hours in study for preparation for classes. I was the "Dean of Women" at the Bible School, one of the chore team leaders, I was on the transcribing team, the editing team, I was helping write a book, helping with various fundraising efforts, a music team leader, a children’s church teacher, I taught preschool for twenty-five hours a week with my son at a different church in town to make money (because all of this work was volunteer, there was no financial compensation for anything; we even had to pay rent to live there). And, oh, yes, a mother to a toddler, and a wife. I think about my relationship with my son at this time, and how he was something that I felt had to learn to "come under" or "flow" with what I felt like the Lord was calling me to do. I was always looking for someone on property to watch him so I could teach my class, lead worship, or do whatever endless activity I felt called to do. How sad.

And how exhausting. Again, another common trait found in almost all cultic groups, the members are overworked and, as a result, sleep-deprived and exhausted. For days, months, weeks, and in my case, years. In fact, we believed that out bodies were just "tractor trailers," as Randy would call them, or "containers" for the Spirit of God. So, the body needed to learn to submit to the Spirit, and in our state of exhaustion, we would push ourselves even harder. And feel that God was being glorified because we were not letting our bodies rule over us. In fact, many times we would brag to other members regarding how "poured out" we were, meaning, how tired we were as a result of serving, like staying up all night to write a book or spend time searching the Scriptures, etc. There was this competitive thing working among or between members to be the most given member or something. As I look back on this, it now makes some sense as to why there are so many members in this small group that have health problems. Some are really serious health problems.

Our diet consisted of donated foods from grocery stores, fast food chains, and buffets. Food that was high in carbohydrates, fat, and lots of other stuff that is not good for you. We believed that this was "God's provision," like the manna falling from the sky, and we were to be thankful for it, and it was God's way of helping us save our grocery money. OMG. I can't believe I believed this, but I did.

And eventually burnout came. On top of all of this, the mistreatment from leadership became unbearable. Forget about being thanked, ever, or shown appreciation. We didn't even want that because our praise was to come from God alone. But "being under" leadership that was so highly esteemed, and yet so verbally abusive and given free reign to abuse those who were "under" them, became, for me, at a certain point, unbearable. These religious abusers, as I will call them, were clearly in the "inner circle" of the cult. All cults have their inner circles, and surely ours did as well, and although it was never spoken, we all knew who was in and who was out and what our ranking was. There were the worker bees, or those who were not in the inner circle, who took the commands and the abuse from the "leaders" or the abusers. The abusers and the abusees. If one was a good enough abusee for long enough, you might get the chance to cross over and become an abuser. There were only these two categories. And the cult leader had to like you for you to join the circle, of course. He controlled everything, according to his likes and dislikes. Those in the immediate inner circle, or the abusers, were his family, and a couple of his favorites. There was no hope of breaking into that circle unless he wanted you in there.

And so, we left. Burned out. We are considered to be "walk-aways," those who leave their cult because they burned out, not necessarily because they were deprogrammed or as a result of some isolated incident. And when we left, believe me, there was no big farewell party! In fact, no one from leadership came to say a goodbye or even a thank you for all our years of service. Nothin’. Three people showed up to help us load our vehicle, and as I finished cleaning out our apartment on the cult property that night, alone, I was so hurt. I knew our decision to leave was being judged, I could feel it. I could almost hear what everyone was saying. The lack of support and the silence said it all.

And the silence continued. We just moved to an apartment ten miles away, but it was like we left a life completely behind. We had left our cult leader’s "vision and calling," the true interpretation of the cross, the reason for our existence, and hence, it was like we didn't exist anymore to people whom we had lived and worked and served with on a daily bases for a decade. It was an incredibly painful and dark period in my life, those immediate months following our departure. I had never felt more alone, confused, cut off and isolated. At times I began to question my own sense of sanity, and of reality. I had (and have) two blood siblings in the group, and there was no longer a real relationship there. It was difficult knowing that we were being judged by people whose opinions I still cared about at the time. It was scary to really enter a society that I had been somewhat secluded from since I was twenty-one years old.

I felt like a foreigner who just moved to Denton, Texas, even though I had lived in Denton for ten years. It was, and still kind of is, strange to me. I meet people all the time who ask me, "How long have you been here? I have never seen you before." I just don't say anything because the real explanation is too long. I just recently figured out how to drive around Dallas, because I never really left Denton. I have been eating at restaurants that have been here for years, but for me it is a new experience. I have had to make my own life decisions for myself, because nobody is making them for me. It is kind of like I froze at twenty-one, and here I am, thawing out, being faced with the same life decisions I had when I was that age. Choosing a career, finishing school, defining myself and how I view life and this world, this time by my own viewpoint. And I have a five-year-old son. I am not trying to nurture self-pity, I'm just laying it out there for others to see what it is really like to face real life when you exit a cult. And these issues are faced to some degree by many others who leave a controlling or an abusive group.

Shortly after we left the group, my husband and I separated, and have recently divorced. We remain friends and a support to one another. Looking back on how we got together, we agree that our relationship was coerced, to say the least, by our cult leader, and may or may not have happened organically apart from his coercion. I have heard and read about many cults arranging marriages between the members of the group, and I have to say that I believe this happened, more than once, in our cult. This happens so that the leader can maintain control over the people, because, let's face it, if you control sex, you control people to a great extent. Unfortunately, our marriage is not the only one to end in divorce upon leaving this group. I hear it has been said of us that out marriage fell apart because we left "the Lord," meaning, we left the group.

When I lived there, I really believed that leaving the group was equivalent to leaving the Lord, or leaving "the higher calling" of really knowing Christ as your life, because all the other Christians out there were really just living for self, basically. Carnal. I believed that nobody was really hearing from the Spirit like our leader was. Like, nobody in the whole world. I felt so privileged to be a part of something, to be chosen by God Himself to be a part of something so unique and special, and I felt like there must be some special purpose He had for my life, especially since I forsook so much for His sake! I mean, I had lived in the Bible School dorms for years without air conditioning or privacy, all to be further conformed to His image! And, we were told that we were not allowed to have air conditioning, not because there was not money for it, but because God was using the lack of air conditioning to "do a work in our hearts" which was greater to Him than us being kept cool during Texas summers. Mind you, the leadership that "heard" these things from the Lord lived in an air-conditioned home, off the property. So many examples of hypocrisy and abuse in these ways. This is just one of many small examples.

I have since discovered that this feeling of being "special" or privileged with deep knowledge, spiritual or otherwise, is something that all cult members feel. That is why they keep on as long as they do. They believe, and to those who have left, have believed, that their leader is imparting to them some special knowledge that only he or she knows, and that for some reason they have been chosen to be a part of this special group. Man, it blew me away when I realized that special feeling of belonging and being chosen to be a part of something unique was also a common denominator in all cults, spiritual, political, or otherwise. Experiencing the loss of this feeling as I have entered society has been difficult to cope with. It is difficult for all ex-cult members to cope with. I think the fear of losing this feeling can be strong enough to keep people in cults. I have had to grieve the loss of it. What, you mean I am just like everyone else? Like all these self-seeking carnal people in the world? But, that can't be true. I have invested so much, there must be a return on the years that I have invested, right?

I cannot even express in words how happy I am today that I got out when I did. During the months immediately following my departure, I was so sad because I was looking at all the time that had been lost, all the regrets I had, all the things that could have been. But recently there had been a change. I am so thankful that I got out when I did, for the sake of my son, and for myself and my future. I have my life back, and this time I am in control of it. I am making my own decisions, I am planning my own future, and I am following my own dreams. I am investing in my own life and well-being. And I am happy. There is so much more I want to say, but that's it for now.

How It All Began, part 1

2009-05-29T08:32:00.002-05:00

It has been almost two years since I left the religious cult in Denton, Texas, that I had been a part of for ten years. The church (or cult, in my opinion) is called New Creation Fellowship, and the Bible School where we lived is called ACTS (Accelerated Christian Training School). The spiritual leader and founder of this church and school is Randy Nusbaum. We (I, my husband at the time, and our four-year-old son) had been living on the "property" of the cult grounds - me for ten years, my ex-husband for seven, and our son since his birth. Our lives were completely "given" to the "vision and calling" of the group. This basically meant that our time was not our own, our decisions were not our own (even though they were made to look like they were; e.g., where we lived, what we read, where we worked, who we dated, even what we wore and what we ate to some extent was dictated). We followed these things because we believed that by doing so we were following the Lord's will for our lives. We believed that by submitting to authority, or "coming under" our leaders and what they were "hearing" or "feeling" from the Lord concerning our life decisions, was equal to submitting to God himself. We were trained to "not be led by our feelings" because a person’s feelings are always changing and cannot be trusted or relied upon. We were taught to "walk by faith and not by sight" and to "live in the spirit realm and not in the sense realm" because if we would be led by our senses (including our feelings) we would be open the Satan's deception, who is the god of the sense realm.

We believed that we were true disciples of Jesus Christ. A group of people who had been called out to leave this world, "drop our nets," and deny ourselves, take up the cross daily and really follow Jesus like He wants us to, not like the rest of the carnal Christian world. You see, to really deny ourselves meant that we were to deny our desires to pursue anything other than what the "Lord" wanted us to do. Talents, education, dreams, hopes, all of that was to be laid on the altar if one was to truly be a living sacrifice. Like the woman who poured out the alabaster box of perfume on the feet of Jesus, everything that was "kept for self," no matter how hard it may be to part with it, was considered as "preserving self". This was not a pleasing" fragrance to Jesus", unlike the woman who supposedly forsook everything she had for His sake (or as we stated it in our cult jargon, "for His good pleasure").

I could go on and on and on, giving examples of Scriptures that I now believe were twisted and taken out of context - Scriptures that I wholeheartedly embraced as "truth" for a decade of my life. These Scriptures and beliefs are things that I continue to process and see differently since I have left, and I will probably be writing more concerning those in the future. But right now I am wanting to give a picture of what we were believing and thinking so you, the reader, can understand what was going on in my mind when I "chose" to live through what I did for the "sake of Christ and the church." Craziness. Wow.

I was recruited into the group by a family member when I was twenty-one years old. I was going through a divorce at the time, and was really heartbroken and vulnerable. I have since read that this is a time when most cults find their recruits; at a time of neediness, like during a time of divorce, or if a person is grieving the loss of a loved one, or if a person is going through a major transition in life, such as leaving their parents’ home and entering college or even a job change. Yes, I was blown away when I found out that my circumstances were "textbook," that my life scenario was actually one of the top scenarios listed pertaining to when people get recruited into cultic groups.

My older sister had been a source of understanding and comfort and offered me a place to stay (with her on the cult grounds) while I sorted things out. At the time it sounded so good, it gave me so much hope and it was a way out of an unhappy situation. And, not only was it a way out, this was family who loved me, coming to my rescue!! People in this church, albeit a very small church, really seemed to love me and care for me, although at the time they barely knew me. In fact, they paid for my plane ticket to come from Colorado to see them!! Imagine that. Oh, the selfless generosity had touched my little saddened heart and, man, did it ever make me feel loved!

And, man, was I ever loved!! Love-bombed is what this is called, as I have now come to understand. I have discovered that this "honeymoon period" in the beginning stages of cult recruitment is again textbook, no matter what kind of cult is recruiting you. I was love-bombed indeed!!! I remember feeling like no group of people had ever loved me like this group was loving me. And so freely accepting me, even though I was going through a divorce and had dreadlocks on my head and smoked cigarettes, etc... Wow, I was blown away. I was given a free place to live with a couple who lived on the cult property, I had all the free counsel I needed from the "pastor" (cult leader), was taken out to dinner endless times, was invited to hang out with others who were in the group, was given clothes, and they even flew me back to Colorado (although a more mature member flew with me to "assist" me) to get my car and belongings and ensure a safe (and definite) return to the group. Wow!! I was overwhelmed by the care, the concern, the love, the acceptance....

…And I was hooked. Just like a drug addict who remembers how wonderful it was when she first got high on something new (heck, the dealer probably hooked you up for free!), somehow it never, ever was that good again. And that is really how it was as I recall those beginning days. It was never that good again. Ever. But it was enough to get me hooked. And I stayed hooked, chasing a "love and acceptance" high for a decade of my life.

Like a drug addict, I look back and I see all the things and relationships that I lost in hopes of keeping this buzz going. It wasn't so much things as in material things, but things like my personality, my critical thinking, my ability to make decisions. My hopes, my dreams, my likes and preferences, my desires… ME.

I really swallowed the doctrine, hook, line, and sinker, and, man, I wanted to go all the way. I had never felt this way before, and I believed that this was some good shit, if you know what I mean, and I believed in it. And I was convinced that this was what everyone needed. And so I wanted to be a disciple that was totally "sold out" and knew the doctrine and could bring as many others into the truth, or this truth, as I could, because that was my purpose now. I believed that this was my calling in life - I had finally found out why I existed and had been given a sense of purpose! And, man, no one was going to take that from me. Love, acceptance, a purpose, a place to live where all my basic human needs were being met. No way, man, this buzz needed to continue because I needed it to continue, and what the heck would I do if it stopped? Okay, I can't let my mind go there, let's just do what we have to do to keep the buzz rollin’.

I have since learned about the law of reciprocity. When someone does something for you for "free," all human beings, regardless of race or gender, feel the need to reciprocate by returning the favor in some way. There is this innate sense of being indebted to the one who freely gave something to you. This principle is put to use everyday in the business world and elsewhere. This principle is also used by cults, and I really felt indebted to this group for all that they "freely" gave me. I gave them everything. My money, my time, my energy, my mind, my life.